Self love

Its been awhile since I posted here, been using my other personal blog more frequently. Not much as happened since my last post. Maybe except it was deemed I am not bipolar, but suffering from PTSD, along with the depression and anxiety.

I have been having really good days, any day without a panic attack is a good day. Even the anxiety has been manageable. *smiles*
Even though the days are great I still struggle. And lately it is struggling to love myself. I can’t find it in myself to be happy with myself. Whether it is my thoughts or my looks, I am unhappy.

So, I said enough is enough. I started reading a self love book, a healing book. It is a huge step for me and I am proud I took the leap. I feel better already. Understanding W H Y
I feel this way and how to begin to heal.

Life doesn’t have to be hard. It can be pretty simple. And I look forward to finding myself again. I can’t wait to see what the future holds.




Insurance can suck it

Today I learned the hundred of dollars we spend to cover health care each month will not cover therapy. This may not be news but it is to me. I need therapy. I need someone to talk to so I don’t go on a whim and do something I could regret. I can only talk to my person (bff) so much before her ears start to bleed. I need a professional. Someone who doesn’t know me. And I can’t. I mean I could, easily, but that would require out of pocket and I don’t have that kind of cash.

Mental health goes over looked way too much. They rather throw pills at you than figure out what is causing the issues in the first place. I am on 3 different types of medicines for my bipolar, depression and anxiety. I know the meds are healpful because I dont what to kill myself but it would be nice to be able to talk to someone.

end rant.


Today I am just trying to survive. I woke up knowing it was an off day. A day I knew I’d dread. And I have. All day I have spent being hard on myself and not able to accomplish anything (I’ve started 4 other blog post and can’t finish them).

And then I read another blog by James Edgar Skye about just trying to survive the day. And it clicked. I have spent all day beating myself up unable to focus when all I had to do was survive. To accept that it’s okay to just do nothing but enjoy the little things. A good movie. My kids. Mess around on Pinterest finding new recipes. It’s all okay. I just need to survive.

Tomorrow is another day.


P.s. James Edgar Skye, The Bipolar Writer blog is great. Check him out.

Photo credit: Google Images


March! Finally! I have been waiting for you. This is the month I start therapy. Something I have been looking forward to since December. Trauma is a terrible thing and I have so much to get off my chest.

Its hard not being able to talk about how I feel to the ones around me. They can only understand so much without judgement. I am ready to talk about what has happened since that night and how it has affected me. And let me tell you, it has affected me in ways I didn’t know were possible. But I guess that is why it is called trauma. It traumatizes you.

I feel so trapped inside. Silently judging myself and worrying about what others think of me is overwhelming. How do I escape this?


I hope everyone is having a great start to March, may it bring you all the happiness ❤


It’s been awhile

Since being diagnosed I thought about the past and some of the decisions I have made. I went undiagnosed for so long. Manic episodes I didn’t even know I was having. Making choices I should have thought more on rather than acting quick.

I haven’t felt okay since being diagnosed. And frankly, I’m sick of being asked.

And since realizing all of this, it’s just made me more crazy I think. It’s annoying.


So I have been off my meds since Friday evening. Well not all of them. But the one that matters. I’ve called on Saturday, was told they’d have it fixed. Didn’t hear anything. Had to wait till Monday to call again. Had to wait on a response from the MA. Called Tuesday, was told they were waiting on the doctor. E

It’s Wednesday and guess what I am doing when 7 a.m. hits? You nailed it. Calling the dipshit doctors office once again.

It would be cool if it wasn’t an antipsychotic drug or a drug to help me from going into manic depression, but they had to chose that one. My doctor has made me feel like priority every time. Until now.

I need a glass of wine. Or two.

Emotional Release

Let’s talk emotions. We all have them and we all bottle up from time to time.

When I think of releasing emotions, I think of relaxing, like taking a hot bath maybe with some bubbles. Even writing in my journal or talking with a close friend about whatever may be occurring. But did you know there are aromatherapy techniques that can help as well to release emotions?

Using essential oils can help support the process of releasing emotion. Such as when getting a massage applying essential oils to facilitate the body to let go unhealthy emotional patterns.

Some essential oils that you can try are:

Bergamot– helps you let go of anger, anxiety, loneliness, insecurity, and fear.

Rosewood- helps you release grief and sadness

White Angelica- supports all that has taken place and prepares one to search inward for the strength to proceed with life and to search upward for the true source of love and light.

Some great areas to apply these oils are:

Bottoms of feet

Energy centers (chakras)

Back of neck

I’d love to hear what you are doing to release emotion!



*previously posted on my Oily blog, Magnolia Fields